I didn't mean to abandon this site!!! I just got caught up with school!!!

I think something very strange has happened: my frontal lobe has possibly developed. I've lost interest in video games and enjoy jazz music now. I'm also writing a novel. Cause it's never been done before. Lately I've mostly been very anxious about the amount of time I have wasted in my life, and I really want to stop doing that. My priorities are changing. I want to do more with my life. I don't know what, just more. I don't want to sit at home playing video games and blogging about stupid stuff on tumblr, I want to actually create things, make more friends, do more. I've considered myself a late bloomer for years, I don't know, maybe I'm blooming now. I just feel very different about things compared to how I felt when I originally made this site.

I think this is the one year anniversary of this site!!!!!!! Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! I need to post more on here.

I got to school and started feeling faint, so I looked but they weren't selling any salt and vinegar chips in the cafeteria. When I feel faint, salt really helps and salt and vinegar chips are the easiest way to get it. SO then I just grabbed some salt packets, but they're iodized. So, I had some, but now I feel sick cause I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be having iodine cause of my hormone thing. (I got a blood test a few years ago after going into a walk in clinic for my tachycardia that said I had the markers for hyperthyroidism, but never looked into it further because I don't have health insurance. I tried to get it but for years my dad was marking me as a dependent and I'm under 26 so when I applied it rejected me because I was supposed to be on my dad's insurance, except he didn't actually put me on his insurance. I think next year when I'm 26 I should be able to try again, but I probably won't.) I don't feel faint anymore, though. Mostly nausea, but my heart is also hurting. Right now I'm in the school library and I'm debating emailing my professor and just going home because I feel so bad.

Sorry for the inactivity. I kept thinking I should post something, but there's not much to post. I feel like all the problems I could talk about are old. How many entires can I make about grief, neglect, fear, etc. My life feels stagnant, and a lot of the problems that affect me now have been affecting me for years and I've already written about them.

I've decided that at least for the time being I am not going to talk to anyone about that thing. I just know they aren't going to believe me.

Everyone should make it a point to record yourself talking sometimes. It occurred to me a while ago that I don't really remember my mother's voice, and the only recording I have is from a promotional thing she did for the Cystic Fibrosis foundation. I can sit here listening to a few sentences of her talking about Medicaid, and mentioning how her youngest is in the fourth grade, (me) and she hopes to live long enough to see me make it through school. She died like a year later. It's really weird actually, she looks totally different from what I remember her looking like. I wish I had more. So anyway, record some stuff.

When I think about my relationships with others, I've come to the conclusion that I am likable, just so long as I am a doormat and they don't have to put in any effort. My dad rejects any social activity that isn't me hovering above him trying to make conversation while he lies in bed watching a youtube video. My friend will show up to a social event an hour late because they can't be bothered to leave the house on time. My sister won't ever see me in person, just texts. So sure, I have people who "love" me. Just not enough to show it. I see old movies with these people who love each other, grand displays of affection, big gestures, effort taken to prove love. It makes me sad because I don't think I'll ever get anything like that. I'm expected to believe I'm loved but no one is willing to show it to me if it requires any amount of effort on their part. Whenever I try standing up for myself it goes badly, so I've got to be a doormat to be loved. I guess it's a good thing I'm not in a romantic relationship.

No longer axious. Attended class. Functioned in society properly. I'm annoyed because despite eating all day and despire having a large dinner I'm still hungry. I'm always hungry. And yes, it's meals with protein, fat, and fibr. I'm not eating straight carbs for dinner or anything. Finished dinner, felt physically full, nearly uncomfotably so, and within minutes I was hungry again.

Tomorrow I'm going to deposit my inheritance check and it's also the first day of my classes this semester. I'm anxious.

I haven't posted in a while because I have been sick, (alternating between actual sickness and Sims 2 fever). I'm trying to decide if I should try talking to someone about having been molested as a child by my pediatrician. I don't feel "valid" because I've spent the majority of my life assuming that it was normal and that all these signs that I had been molested were just character flaws because he was a doctor preforming an exam, but as it turns out, five year olds don't normally get pelvic exams. And that has come to my attention in the past couple of years but I still don't feel like I can actually say I was molested because other people have got it worse than me. I tried to talk with my sister once when I was like 15 about how I was confused because I had all these signs of having been molested but don't remember anyone touching me (asides from the doctor, which as you know, is totally normal and doesn't count) and she brushed me off and told her friends I was attention seeking, that I wanted to be like the people I followed online. Why would I want to feel like this? I'm never going to have a normal relationship. I'm never going be able to wear tampons. I'm never going to be able to go to a gynecologist. So why should I try talking to someone about this? They're going to think I'm being dramatic and stupid and just trying to get attention. That's what everyone has always thought about me.

My life is already over like I can't get over anything I can't do anything I'm stuck in this state of immaturity and desperation I need to be a child again I need to be taken care of I need for my needs to be known I need to stop eating I need to sleep more I need to let myself die. But all I do is for something that is never going to come.

I'm inheriting money, so the conversation about when I am going to get a car and start driving is starting up again. I've always told everyone I have driving anxiety, and that's partially true, but that's not the whole reason. I know how to drive and I have done it before, but I don't want to. People tell me that it's limiting me, and a car will give me more freedom, and that's exactly what I am scared of.

Nearly every night I get the urge to run away. I want to go somewhere far away and die where no one can find me, kind of like how animals leave the pack to hide somewhere alone when they know they're going to die. I think about disappearing into the woods or going into the water. I get the impulse and my heart races and I can't sleep. Right now, I get these impulses, and I say "seems like a schlep" so I stay home just try to sleep it off. But if I had a car? If I could feasibly bolt out of the house and drive somewhere far away? I'm not sure I would be able to weather the impulse. Sometimes I'm not sure I'd want to. I look at cars on Craigslist and imagine me running out in the night, roadtripping, and disappearing. I alternate between wanting this and fearing it.

But I can't exactly announce this to people. Every time I try sharing something, they just get mad at me. They think I'm lazy and making excuses. They'd probably just say "Oh, well you won't do that!" or something. Nobody believes me. I don't feel control over myself. Sometimes I watch myself in the third person and I hate what I see but I can't stop.

Technically, it's July 3rd since I am writing this after midnight, but who cares. I haven't really been that online that much this week. It feels like all I want to do is play Sims 2. It's very escapist for me. Creating new lives, fulfilling their dreams, having a big family. I wish I was a sim with a benevolent watcher.

July is a really bad month for me. On the 5th is the anniversary of my mom's death. The 15th being the anniversary of Christine Chubbucks death. And the 10th? Well, you know. It's also just really hot. I'm heat sensitive and I live in Florida, so I end up stuck inside for most of the month. I ordered a pretty pricey thing on Depop that I didn't need that is expected to arrive on the 5th. I did this half because I wanted it and half because I wanted something good to look forward to. I feel halfway justified in feeling so bad, like yes, dead mom death anniversary, behold, a valid reason! But at the same time... this is the 14th year. How long can I use grief to justify my feelings?

I feel like everyone for years acted like my mom dying was like, the source of my depression, but as I believe I mentioned before on here, it was moresoe what happened after. I ceased being loved for a very long period of time. This anniversary isn't just about the death of my mom, but it's the exact cutoff point from where I went from a loved child to a neglected one. While things are better now, I still just can't recover from that. I feel like my life is already botched. I know I'm young, but I missed something fundamental, and now there's no hope for me to be happy. Maybe I'll stay alive and maybe I'll get a job and maybe I could be functional in the world, but I could never actually be happy.

I've always identified with the idea of being an artist, but I really don't create a lot, and the quality of what I create has never been good. My art can best be described as better than someone who's never drawn in their life, but worse than anyone who draws regularly. My music is just objectively bad, but that one's fine because that's only something I do as a bit. My site looks okay but it's held together with some frankensteined code that is around 50% redundant. I rarely write, even though I always want to. My biggest problem is that I don't do anything enough. Time moves so fast and I tend to feel like I am paralyzed just watching it go by me. So, I'm not sure I actually consider myself to be an artist or if I just want to be percieved as an artist. I think being percieved as an artist helps me because it allows me to justify my continued existence. Like, no, I'm not a worthless blob, I'm an artist. All my flaws become quirks, because as you know, artists are quirky. But really, I'm a major phony.

I sort of fixed my school stuff. Got stuck having to take an 8 weeks statistics class, so now I am pre-gaming stress for that. I haven't really updated recently, I guess just because I haven't done much. I've honestly spent a lot of the last week doing hardcore tumblr blogging. I'm going through dead blogs and queueing up posts that are up to 12 years old. Just because my dash tends to be a bit of circle and there's not much new stuff going on. I've got a queue so full at the moment that if I went offline it'd take a week for anyone to notice. Of course, I don't think I'm not sure anyone really thinks of me enough to notice my absense.

Later today, I'm going to hang out with this childhood friend of mine. It's weird because she lived just two houses down from me, and our families were weirdly entangled in my early childhood, but then her older sister stole my mom's pain medications, and she carved "fuck" into our trampoline, and her brother got into a fistfight with my brother and also kept robbing us, so the relationship between our families dissolved. In my mind, our families are like literary foils, both white trash, but they're like, the evil ones. But every time I think of her, I picture the picture of her, my sister, and I all wearing matching dresses. Anyway, my literary foil and I will hang out. Also, turns out she's gay, too, and she's got a girlfriend. It would be cool to be friends again and have local lesbos to hang out with.

I screwed up my school stuff again. I need to talk to my dad about it, but I'm just not willing to do it right now. It's not the end of the world I guess, but I feel overwhelmed with dread. Not just about talking about it, but like, the future in general. I really don't like the idea of graduating. I like going to school. I guess I can't keep attending community college for the rest of my life, though. I don't really think I mentally matured past a high school age. That's when I was at my worst, and I don't think I ever recovered from anything, I just got better at masking and telling people what they wanted to hear. I never got over the realization that nobody would help me no matter how bad it got and the sense of hopelessness that followed that.

I am better? I guess. If I keep my mind occupied and never think about anything.

Continuing to be anxious, I feel the need to do something stupid and self destructive. Somehow I think that will fix it. That doesn't make sense. It does not matter if it makes sense, I still feel it. Sometimes when I feel this way I can sort of satisy the urge by staying up all night, ruining my sleep schedule, and brooding, so I guess I'll do that.

I've got some bad anxiety lately about the passage of time and filling stuff out for school. For me, dealing with paperwork is something that I feel weirdly unable to do. It's a big weakness of mine. It's hard for me to do things like that, like legal things. I get confused by the them easily and I get paranoid that I did it wrong. I feel like it's an autistic thing, and I'd like someone to help me with it, but no one around me is willing. I feel like I don't really get support for things that I need, you know with the autism and the mental health, and then everyone gets mad at me because I'm not totally normal and functioning. And I've tried to seek help but nobody really cares about how I feel, they just care that I am failing.

I haven't updated in a few days, so I should say what I've been up to, but I forget.

I feel like everyone assumes that because I detransitioned I'm like, totally content with womanhood or whatever, just one of the normal, regular gals, but really it's weird. I can understand why I felt like I must have been a trans man when I was younger because I feel like every other woman is just... better at being a woman than me. I often want to dress up feminine but then whenever I do, I feel like I'm doing it wrong. And the masc women? I love them, but when I'm dressed masc, I feel like I'm giving less "cool masc woman" and more "unkempt weirdo." I never feel comfortable in anything I wear. I don't usually wear makeup, but I feel tempted to try makeup again just to like, look less weird. Because my face just looks really weird, like sickly and doscolored and puffy at the same time. And my body, too. I'm skinny, I guess. I checked and my weight dropped back down to it's more normal number, and I am, by all metrics I have found, at the perfect weight. I just still look bad. My weight distribution is all in my center, so while my hands are downright bony, I still have a bit of a gut and some chunky thighs. I really don't like it. I used to think that I thought that losing weight would make me look better and would therefore make me lovable, but it turns out that with the way my body is shaped, I will look terrible no matter what I do.

I randomly decided to reread Harry Potter, because I've been in a reading slump and I miss when I was a kid and read more, and I thought maybe if I reread the series that got me started with reading, I'd get out of my slump. I was in like first grade and I would read my sister's copies. I'd stay up reading them for hours using the light from underneath the door. I didn't think I was allowed to be reading them for some reason, and I made it halfway through the series before my dad walked in one night and caught me. I thought I was going to get in trouble but he actually bought me a lamp after that.

Most of the books I have are the original ones that were my sisters, but her copy of Chamber of Secrets had gotten damaged and I had spent my Christmas money getting a new one, so that one was always mine. So today, I started Chamber of Secrets, and when I opened the front cover, I saw my own name inside in a messy childish scrawl, and for some reason it made me cry. I felt grief. I felt like I was viewing my child-aged self in the third person, like watching a home movie. I feel like the child I used to be is dead. I have a lot of pictures of myself around, but somehow seeing my own child self's handwriting, her own name in her favorite book, really got to me. I can't really explain why I feel this way.

For some reason mid-breakdown last night I started writing fanfiction. I don't normally do that and I don't know why that seemed like the right time to start. I won't crosspost it here, but I feel like if any of my readers came across it, they'd be like "yeah, Natasha wrote this."

Sometimes the loneliness hits harder than normal and I have this achey feeling in my chest. I question what the point of calling myself a lesbian is when I don't date. I have thought before that I wish I was closeted because I hate dealing with the homophobia, and honestly, there's no point in me being out anyway since I don't date! I guess in theory I might date someone later, but I don't see it happening. It's better that I am single because I am depressed, and I am going to be depressed for however long I continue to live, and there's no point in dragging someone else into this mess. I am also categorically a failgirl, very failure-to-launch core. Other people my age have actual lives and I can't imagine why anyone would bother with me.

But yeah, anyways, being alone is very logical given my situation, but it still sucks. Anyway, The passage of time is freaking me out and my continued loneliness is chipping away any remaining gilded exterior of normalcy I may have had left.

Going to the club this weekend with my friend and their girlfriend and I hope it doesn't make me feel worse like it did last time. Last time I was reminded of the loneliness and that unzipped me a bit.

Really, this whole thing is very stupid because I know that if I did have someone who loved me it'd just stress me out.

I'm wondering how long this page has to get before I have to make a new e-diary page and put this on as an archive. For me, I don't have any problem navigating it, but I'm assuming that my laptop is using caches, so it might be have a longer loading time for new readers. It's only text based, so I don't think it's a problem, but I'm not sure. I copy pasted the entries into Libreoffice to see the wordcount and it was around 12,500 words. Wow! That's a lot of words for what amounts to nearly no ccoherent information.

I was going to watch The Lighthouse tonight, which I have been meaning to watch since it came out, but I wanted to wait until it got dakr out so I got the right atmosphere and I got tired way too early. I'm going to the club this weekend so I've got to screw up my sleep schedule a bit and stay up late, but it's miserable. So I guess I will watch it sometime later this week when I'm up in the dark and I am not painfully tired. I can't stand the feeling of being tired. I sleep a lot.

I've recieved an estimate on the inheritance I'm getting and it's a bit more than I expected, but I'm going to try to not think about it and just be pleasantly surprised whenever I recieve a fat check. I spent $12 at the flea market today on the Twilight off-books, like the Bree Tanner one (that one girl who was in Eclipse for like five minutes), Midnight Sun (the Edward POV one), Life and Death (The genderswapped one), and the illustrated guide, which will be a useful reference for my Hannibal/Twilight crossover fanfic, (that takes place post-fall but during the events of the first Twilight book, have to flub the Hannibal timeline to make the plot make sense, so now Hannibal took place in like 2000 to 2004, which doesnt change much because Hannibal doesn't really do much with modern stuff.) and the book contains great art of the characters that reminds me of old school manga, like Peach Girl.

Speaking of vampires, I was recently considering the pros and cons of being vampire. I feel like a lot of the pitfalls of it really don't apply to me. I already can't get married and start a family as a human anyway. The idea of living forever appeals to me because it would take away the pressure of having to do something. I could just be in my flop era indefnitely, go to school and learn, create art, go back to my flop era, it'd be great. The biggest problem in my life is the passage of time, so really, I'd be fine as a vampire. It'd fix me.

I'm not a Trisha Paytas stan and I don't actually know that much about her besides that she likes to troll but I find her weirdly attractive. Or at least weird for me, because I tend to only find gender non conforming women attractive, and the instagram face and full glam makeup doesn't usually do anything for me. I don't know why I feel the need to share this, it's just something that occurred to me that I thought the Natashaheads might want to know.

I Haven't really done anything in the past few days. It's bothering me a lot. I'm on summer break, so I'm not supposed to be doing anything, I just hate the feeling that I am wasting time. I guess it's not wasting time if I am spending it with my chihuahuas. One of my girls is turning 15 next month, and she has aged really well, unlike those chihuahuas you see online, with captions like "Here's Daisy, she's 12, isn't she sooo cute!" on a picture of the most decrepit creature you have ever seen. Her only problem seems to be her mobility. She doesn't seem to be in pain, but she has a sort of hobble now. She struggles with steps and often times needs an airlift to the bed. She used to be my mom's dog, and it's going to be really weird when she dies. I'll probably have a super bad breakdown.

I still haven't looked at my final grades for the last semester even though it's been almost a wek. I had A's in everything and I felt good about the final tests so I am not worried about them being bad or something, I think I am just so repulsed by the idea of looking at anything school related right now. My stress never went away about it and I still keep panicking and having to remind myself like, oh yeah, I finished, I'm on break.

Last month I checked and I gained a few pounds, which I assumed was a mix of stress and muscle gains, since I had been doing a lot of physical labor and was very stressed. Physically I look more toned and I like that, but I went from being at an average of 133 to an average of 137, and this bothers me a weird amount because I don't really like the number 7. Avid Natashaheads may remember that I like 9s and 3s. 7s and 5s I tend to feel negatively towards. 133 is a better number than 137 because 1: it has two 3s and 2: 1 x 3 x 3=9. I also have, like, body dysmorphia, though, so maybe that's it.

Sorry for my disappearance! I finished my finals and then proceeded to play the Sims 2 for around 3 days straight, only taking breaks to walk the chihuahuas and make sweet potato gnocchi. Every time I tried to stop I'd remember who I am and what my life is and I start panicking again. I don't really know what I feel so panicky about, now, just like... everything I guess.

Yesterday I got my ears repierced. I had them pierced as a kid but they closed up and it's always bothered me having the dots on the lobe that look like holes when I couldn't actually wear earrings. There's so many care instructions, it's weird, I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. Like, children get these. Babies, even. When I got them done as a kid I didn't any of that. That's probably why they got infected, actually.Nothing ever got better. I wish I'd died at 11 cause this isn't living.

Stressed and depressed. I ordered things off of Depop just so I'd have something to look forward to. Despite next Monday being the last day of this semester, (cause of my finals), I don't feel excited for summer break. I just have a looming sense of dread. Why do I never get over anything?

Yesterday I went hiking and attended a poetry reading. People are always trying to convince me my speech impediment isn't even noticable, but like, I can hear myself. I don't really have a problem with public speaking, even if I sound weird. I don't really like listening to my voice on recording, though. It just drives me crazy when I mention it and people try to debate me on it. If I don't have a speech impediment than why are people unable to understand me when I say I'm an artist? They'll be like "an oatist? What's that?" I don't know, man. A guy who eats a lot of oats? I repeat artist repeatedly until inevitably I have to start throwing out words that don't have any "r" sounds, like "painting" and pantomining drawing pictures. But yeah, my speech impediment is totally impercievable, this is all in my head, of course, I'm just self concious. Get fucking real.

I've been sad lately and I don't even have a hormonal excuse. I feel guilty. I feel like everybody hates me. I think I am so obsessed with my dead mother that I am subconsiously trying to become her. This is probably a new mental illness that will be in the DSM-6. I ordered a new camera. I want to get into making videos. I made those Taxi Driver and Mean Streets videos, but I'd like to make some with my own footage. I also did something with one of my songs and some Sims 2 footage, essentially a bunch of meaningless whining. But it made me stop whining meaninglessly to mix it in video form, which sort of gives it a meaning. Sort of. I'd like to do some more creative stuff, and maybe now that school is winding down I will have the time.

My mother loved me very much but was also pretty insane and sometimes treated me both as her friend and her child. SHe'd consult me on major decisions, which is weird in hindsight. She never really talked to anyone outside of our household, and my dad was mad about her spending, and my siblings were teenagers developing an edge, but me? I was a little angel. When I started getting older, I used to act younger than I actually was because it seemed to make her happy having a little kid around around. My sister hated it, and would scream at me, "STOP TALKING LIKE A BABY," but nontheless I persisted. I'd be an eloquent child at school, never in trouble and attending the gifted program. Then I'd come home, regress a few years, and lie down on the couch, crammed into the crevice, cuddled with my mother and watched TV. I used to have fantasies about our family going on Dr. Phil and him, and all of America, just tearing our lives to shreds. This is a weird dynamic I think, but it was the only time I feel like anyone really loved me. She died when I was 11, and that was it. All the love I would ever recieve had been recieved and there was nothing left!

Last night my joints started hurting bad (As opposed to good?) It's hard to walk. I have these knee braces I wear sometimes when my joint pain is bad but I don't know if they actually help. I've been in "just make it through the last few weeks of the semester" mode. I'm not going to take any summer classes this year, both because of money, but also because I've been feeling so bad lately.

I've been feeling sick for like weeks at this point. Daily headaches, stomach issues, my stupid heart thing, and this fatigue that is worsened by me being seemingly unable to sleep. I get these issues all the time, just usually not this long. It comes in waves.

No one really seems to get it, cause every time I mention it, they act shocked, as if this is some new thing. They give me very basic advice, like yes, I've tried taking aspirin. If I took an aspirin every time I got a headache I would kill my liver. I've had these issues since at least 2018 (I went to an urgent care for the heart thing, got an EKG confirming theres a problem,) and no one seems to understand that this is a regular thing I am dealing with. They just think I am lazy. I say, sorry, I can't help with yardwork, I feel too sick right now, and my dad just hears "I'm a lazy fuck and I don't feel like it." I wish I could see a doctor just for the sake of having a name for this that I could whip out. No one believes me when I say it, but if I had a doctor say "she has feels-like-shit disorder" than maybe they'd believe me when I say I feel like shit.

Last entry was less of a diary entry and more of a film discussion. I need to make a letterboxd or something.

I started my period early and I was excited because I thought that my PMDD would go away and I'd feel better, but I've been really depressed for the past week. And my flow is way heavier than normal today, to the point where I'm getting concerned.

I've been lying around today. I watched a couple movies in the background while I languished, Taxi Driver and Reservoir Dogs. I realized that the cigar box that Travis puts his money in is identical to the one I put my chess pieces in. Crazy! Reservoir Dogs is weirdly nostalgic for me. It was at one point my favorite movie, when I was like 13-15. I wanted to look like Tim Roth when I was in 8th grade. The relationship between Mr. White and Mr. Orange still has a grip on me. I know Quentin Tarantino probably wasn't intending to make a gay story, but my interpretation is that Mr. White was gay, and I think a lot about his character makes more sense if he's gay and closeted because, you know, criminals aren't exactly an accepting bunch. Of course, that is similar to my interpretation for Harvey Keitel's character in Mean Streets, Charlie, who is a combination criminal and Catholic. He's not gay though, but bisexual. I think the end where him and Theresa and Johnny drive off is representative of this, because he loves both of them, but he can't be with either of them. Martin Scorcese was likely not trying to make a beautiful bisexual love story, though. These are both films about criminals. I don't want to sound like one of those people that make every movie into a gay movie, but I think Harvey Keitel is good at depicting complex characters and bring a lot to his roles, maybe more than directors ask of him.

The PMDD is hitting, and my body image is so bad because of the bloating. My favorite pants feel tight on me now, so I'm wearing a pair of black skinny jeans today, (which are weirdly comfortable and loose for skinny jeans, not even sized up or anything), which naturally I had to pair with my black Lana Del Rey shirt. I look like how my middle school self would have envisioned an older me would look. I briefly relapsed with my disordered eating before remembering that it's the week before my period and that I've started a new strength training routine that is going to contribute to like, inflammation and water retention.

I've had this lesbian schlocky vampire story brewing in my head. Like a lesbian Twilight but also with misandry and insanity. On the bus the ideas began to hit fast, and I wish I brought one of my new Twilight journals to school because that would be the perfect place to log ideas.

(Twilight journals seen here.) But, at the same time, i was also wanting to use those journals as diaries. I'm scared that once I start writing in them I'll hate what I have written and then feel bad for wasting the journals since I like them so much. While cleaning, I have been finding so many empty notebooks that I have had similar feelings about. I've got to stop being convinced that everything I write is a toxin capable of poisoning the entire notebook and start actually using these things for their intended purpose..

I've impusively decided that I need to declutter and rearrange furniture. I've got too many things. I want a more open space. I feel confined in my enclosure.

Why can't I just be normal? I feel like I've missed every milestone of life. I wish I could reset and try again. Stay in the closet this time. Act like a real person. Make friends.

I've been in a bad mood all week and I can't even blame it on my hormones this time! I guess it's stress, but I don't know. And I'm mad. About a lot of things right now. Over the weekend I went out with a couple other lesbians who are a couple, but then I got really sad like halfway through the night. I guess it was like, jealousy, because I saw them together, and I just felt this pit of loneliness open up in my stomach. I've been pretty okay with my agreement to myself that I'm not seeking a relationship-- I know that I have a lot of issues and I don't feel like it'd be fair to whoever I dated. But right now I am not feeling okay with it. I'm thinking like, "what if I am never going to be okay enough to be loved?" And the idea of being alone like this forever is terrifying. I think I've been able to stave away these feelings cause I'm surrounded by straight couples. All it took was one lesbian couple and I'm unzipped! My tar pit of isolation is seeping into my entire body! I am manifesting illness unto myself!

Going back to school from spring break has been stressful. I wasn't able to do my projects during break like I wanted, so now I've got them hanging over my head. My body dysmorphia has also been really bad and it's hard to get dressed for school because I feel bad in all of my clothes. My day to day fashion is so inconsistent, I'm alternating between punk-ish style and Bella Swan-ish styles, and feminine or masculine, I feel so weird. I know it's normal to have more than one outfit, but like, why is my style just all over the road like that? I lack any true identity to base a style on and I just keep thinking, "this is it, this is the outfit that I will feel okay in," and it never is. I always feel like I am wearing drag or something, like a costume. I never feel right among other women, I feel like they can all tell that there's something wrong with me, like I'm pretending to be a person. I don't feel as real as them. I feel sick today, like dizzy and lightheaded. EDIT: I had low blood sugar. I ate a fruit cup and I'm good now.

Got Vietnamese food with my friend, and we hung out at a park and did some drawing. I drew a deer and I really liked it so I put it up on my wall. For some reason when I got back home I started feeling dread. Maybe just because being home sucks lately.

I'm reviving my shitty Garageband album! My plan is for every album I make, it's got to have 9 songs, because that's the good number. I also enjoy 3, because it's the square root of 9. But that's besides the point. Anyway, made a new song today and fixed up a couple of old ones, so now I have 5 tracks out of 9 done. I don't know if I'll actually upload them anywhere, but it's whatever. Objectively speaking, I have no musical ability, so my music just a random project I work on. There's no mass appeal in it. If I do upload it, I can't imagine anyone but me would actually like it. Last year, when I sent the first song I made to Sam, they seemed downright repulsed by it. Good thing it's not for them!

I've been having a pretty bad week but it's due to actual circumstances of life as opposed to like... the insanity... and so in a way it doesn't bother me as much. Essentially I'm in a position where I'm stuck doing a bunch of manual labor cause code enforcement decided to simply strut into our backyard and write us up for pretty much every concievable thing. Seriously, they said we had to get rid of our chairs!!! Like they're old dingy chairs but like, they're not broken? The other stuff was valid cause my dad's hoarding, he likes to find junk items and toss them back out there and claim "well I'm going to break it apart for scrap later" and never does, and admittedly there's a lot of overgrowth, but why can't we have CHAIRS?! Anyway, I'm the only one in my house able to do actual manual labor. My dad's got a bad back (somehow managed to get the shit back there, though, funny how that works) so he's not really much help, so it's primarily me. It's really annoying though, because he goes out there with me and then micomanages me while I do most of the work, and he'll find some small task that he can do sitting down, then call me over from where I am working, make me drop whatever I'm doing, just to have me fetch things for him or whatever.

I really was hoping that I could use spring break to work on these projects for school, but it doesn't look like I'm going to have the time. Even when I'm not actively working on this stuff, I feel so worn down I can't do anything. I've got cuts and bruises on my arms and legs, and blisters on my fingers that make it hurt to type this right now, and I'm just super achey all over. I haven't gotten anything done for school.

I've been updating some backgrounds on here. Trying to make each page distinct while still maintaining an overarching style. My poetry page (currently without poems) is using a painting I did as a background, and I tried editing it to make it Purple and grainy, since that seems to be my formula, but if I edit it too much the painting no longer looks good, and without editing it doesn't look like the rest of the site at all, so currently I'm not sure if I will keep it there. Working on some other minor cosmetic changes, too. I really like using this site, it feels good to create my own space. I've edited my about page to also have my sidebar/chatbox with all my links. It takes up space, but it makes it easy going between pages without having to go back to the index page. I'll probably be updating my other pages like this. Added chatobox to diary too, this is better for having conversations based on my diary entries.

Had a really upsetting dream last night... I went attended a beach cleanup today. I got a sunburn on my shoulder and little scrapes from tunneling through branches to get trash out of the mangroves. I think I made a friend but I have a tendency to get presume friendships that aren't there so I am trying not to get too excited. I have however made her Lana Del Rey mix CDs. This is because we were discussing Lana Del Rey and she expressed interest in the unreleased songs, of which I have many beautiful mp3s of. She said she uses CDs so this seemed reasonable to me

We are living in a very anti-intellectual era and that can be very fun but it can also be very dangerous, so watch out!

I didn't have my regularly scheduled birthday breakdown this year. Like, I was a little insane, but for unrelated reasons. School is stressful but it does keep my sleep schedule consistent and I feel like that has been pretty good for me.

I cleaned my room so at least now I don't feel so overwhelmed in it. I also got a set of "Angel Blessings" cards at a thrift store last weekend and they're essentially Christian tarot cards but with angels, and I'm not really religious but like them. The booklet comes with different songs, usually classical music, to play with each card, so I pick a card and play it's song and try to meditate on it.

I've tried to believe in things before, but it doesn't really work. I am... vaguely pagan? I guess? I read tarot cards and believe in spirits, and I use a pendulum and pendulum board to communicate with them, sometimes. I've always wanted to be more religious but I've never ben able to truly believe in much. Praying feels like lying. I've thought maybe that I woouldn't be so depressed if I had something to believe in. I think my mom was religious in her youth, but growing up our household was essentially atheist. I can't imagine myself going along with any mainstream religious stuff, churches lead by men and what have you, but maybe I could believe in a higher power and some sort of vague meaning behind everything.

My mom, in any case, was also a believer in spirits, and would communicate via automatic writing with them. She would also have premonitions. She could sense things before she had any way of knowing about them. I think when you live as she did, with death looming over you at all times, it's possible that the veil between life and death was thinner, less of a thick shroud, more of a lace, with holes in the design that you may be able to peek through.

I'm so anxous about... something? that I am ill. I don't exactly know what it is, but I sure am worried about it. I never used to be this anxious before. I was depressed, or manic, or whatever, but not all that anxious. Growing up I always had that escape plan of "well, if it all goes wrong it's fine cause I'll just kill myself." Because of that, I was not overly anxious about anything. Nothing mattered and all my days blended into an incoherent blur like looking through a kaleidoscope.

I need to figure out how to just relax. I'm constantly moving. I'm wriggling. I can't lie down in bed and stay still. I feel like a prey animal with it's chest contracting and eyes bugging out. I'm done dealing with therapists, though. My last therapist screwed with my head and promoted conversion therapy rhetoric onto me. I don't want to deal with other people anymore.

I know I am a celibate princess, but I love Valentine's day. We're going to have a little belated Valentine's celebration with my gay-straight alliance this week, pretty much at my insistence. It's weird that I am essentially oganizing this when I plan on quitting this club. I know I don't really want to be a part of it, but I am an officer, so I feel bad quitting because it's an abdication of the responsibility that I signed up for. I've just been having a lot of weird feelings about the club, and a couple of the members make me uncomfortable. It would suck not having this social circle anymore, though.

I haven't had any time or energy to do art lately and it's making me feel like a bad artist. It's weird, cause I consider myself to be an artist, but objectively speaking I am not all that good or consistent with it. It doesn't really bother me if I am making bad art, cause I think bad art is good, too, but I'd like to be consistent with it. If I am not consistently making my bad art, then I'm just a poser, and I can't have that.

I got got a project and a test graded and I got a 99 and a 100, so I should be happy, and yes, I am, I have been working hard, but at the same time I keep wondering, what am I trying to accomplish? I don't feel like there's any hope for a future. These days an associates from a community college means next to nothing, so it's not like there's any real point to this. Everyone else here is talking about how they are planning to go on and get bachelors or go to big universities after this, and I don't know. I don't have future plans. This is essentially me killing time and trying to pretend that I am alive. Gets people off of my back.

I'm starting to feel less overwhelmed with the workload, though. Every week I am just making it through the week and it gets a little easier each week. I still feel weird, though. Just a weird type of sad. Feels like I have been on the brink of tears for two weeks. Everything sets me off. I keep waking up with bad memories in my head and I can't sleep through the night. I wish I could self induce amnesia. I keep thinking about how much time has passed since these things and wondering why the hell they still affect me so much. My birthday's coming up. I'm turning 25 and I am still upset about stuff from middle school. There's people who I haven't talked to in nearly a decade who I keep wishing I could reconnect with but I know they want nothing to do with me. I know that because they're still friends with my sister and we just have an agreement to never talk about them. I deserve their hate, though. I can't be bitter about it, even if I think I am a better person now.

Turns out I screwed up a div tag a few entries ago and have been copy pasting the error repeatedly (To make a new entry I just copy paste the whole box from the last entry so I don't have to do tags or anything). Fixed!

I've been thinking about distancing myself from the LGBT community. Not because I'm not a lesbian, but for these two other reasons. Firstly, lesbians are just really disrespected by a lot of people and I'm getting frustrated with how people within the community both online and offline treat me. Second is just a personal reason, but I don't really want to pursue relationships because I know it's not fair to people. I've got a lot of problems. So making lesbianism this big part of my identity just makes me wish I was normal and could have relationships. It makes me think too much about what I can't have. So like, I guess I would just switch to saying nothing and being assumed to be straight or like calling myself celibate instead. I call myself that jokingly sometimes but it is actually accurate.

I've been really weird lately. I think it's hormonal, I've got some boob pain. I keep crying. I've got some stuff printed out to put in my collage journal. Mostly animal pictures, and a couple paintings representing grief and loneliness or whatever. I got a couple of a honeymoon suite bathtub before and after being abandoned. Poignant! I also did a painting of a Not Deer.

I woke up at like 4 in the morning with a bad memory playing in my head like a psychic attack. I was still half asleep and I just kind of yelled and smacked myself right in the face. I managed to get my nose at a bad angle and it hurt pretty bad, and I've been getting twinges of pain from that all day. Sometimes I get flashes of memory like that and it makes me want to scream. I feel like I distract myself by playing video games or watching things, things that prevent me from thinking, but then I get frustrated because I feel like I am wasting time. I went back to bed but couldn't fall back asleep. Eventually, I just slinked to the computer and played New Vegas until like 11. I felt gross for playing that long, so I dragged myself out to go on a walk.

I got a little old tv for two dollars. I really want to get it so I can watch movies on it, but I can't find my coax to rca adapter. I can't really explain why I want to use this little old tv, I just really like it. I want to watch movies very small and in low definition. I want the fuzziness. Since I can't find an adapter, I'm just going to use it as a lamp, I guess. I like the lighting that comes from tv static.

I keep getting asked "Do you like your classes?" and I don't know a polite way to say "I feel exhausted all the time and it's difficult for me but I am doing it because it is an obligation. I derive no real pleasure from it." Like, I'm doing the work, isn't that enough? Why do I have to say I'm happy? People react negatively when I tell them how I actually feel, so I've got to lie, but I don't really like it. I just wish these people could love me as I actually am. I am never going to be normal but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

My collage journal looks pretty cool. I got a hardcover journal and used rubbed cement to get the paper on. When I tried using regular school glue on a test cheet it bled through and stained the pictures, but the rubber cement works really well. I got carded at the store while buying it, though. I'm probably on a government list of people who make collage art now.

I cut my hair because it annoyed me. My heart rate hit 148 while standing today which is high even for me. My normal heart rate when standing is in the 120s. I have a normal heart rate lying down, like 60-90, but getting up makes me feel like I am going to pass out. I hallucinated a tummbleweed today. That's about all the updates I got.

Oh my god I fucking hate school. Four days in and I'm already burnt out. I'm so anxious all the time that I feel like I am on the brink of a heart attack. Also, MyMathLab wants me to kill myself. Desperately.

Today I started on this project I've been wanting to do. It's essentially a collage diary that kind of focuses on my more morbid thoughts. I can print things at school so I can get pretty wild with it. I currently plan to have a spread dedicated to ********* ********. That's probably considered a red flag! I think it'd just be a cool project to document my insanity in a way that doesn't annoy others. My new years resolution this year was to keep more to myself since nobody really likes it when I share my insanity. I might post some pictures from it as I progress.

First day of the semester! I have a very sad little dog at home who thinks I should drop out of school to spend more time with her. She pitched it to me this morning and admittedly made a very solid case.

Over the weekend I went to a goth club with a tentative friend of mine. I met them through Sam, but last I heard they were in a fight with them, and I don't know where they currently stand. I didn't ask about it because I didn't want to base our friendship over this mutual link we have to someone else. You woukdn't think I woukd like clubbing because of the autism, and normally loud spaces with a lot of people are overstimulating, but when when it's a loud space, but full of goth music, with a lot of people, but they're dancing, somehow that's different? I was really vibing.

My school annoyed me with something. Had a form I filled out in November for getting books with financial aid, and they made me fill it out again because "As of October, we haven't gotten it." Ma'am, it's January now. Months have passed. Anyway, I filled it out again and was told it'd be processed in 24-48 hours so it should be fine. It's just really annoying.

My birthday is next month and weirdly enough I think I would like to celebrate it this year. Normally I don't like drawing attention to it because acknowleging my age is acknowleging my failure to launch. Nobody in my family actually bothers me about it, they still seem to love me for some weird reason, it just makes me feel bad. It is very weird how old I am though. I feel as though I am mentally a teenager. I never really matured past that point.

Lately I can't stop thinking about ********* ********. I feel like I'm going crazy but weirdly enough it's not affecting my behavior. On the outside I probably seem very sane right now. I had a couple people in my life praise me for not acting depressed anymore. The key to this accomplishment is never sharing anything!

I've still got that Christmas weirdness. I just want next semester to start already. My bio grandpa died a few days ago, forgot to mention that. He was not an abusive man and I didn't have anything to do with him. He tried to hug me once at my cousin's wedding and I literally ducked out of the way. My cousin and her kids are sad, and I feel sad for them, though.

I've been really depressed seeing people who identify as being "queer", (which I don't like using cause I don't think being a lesbian makes me weird,) be really homophobic. Like, it sucks dealing with that from people who are supposed to be our allies. I keep seeing it and I just feel kind of hopeless. I used to be bullied for being gay in school and I never expected that I'd deal with the same shit from people who say they're in this community just like me.

Update on my movie watching: I have now see Mean Streets and I liked it. I am planning to watch Goodfellas but the vibe hasn't been right.

Today's Christmas, but that doesn't mean much to me. We stopped really celebrating Christmas after my mom died. We tried for a few years, going through the motions, then my dog died on Christmas day in 2016 and that finally killed off any remaining Christmas spirit. I got a few gifts for my cousin's kids and for her I painted chickens, since she has a bunch of backyard chickens. They came out surprisingly well considering I have never drawn or painted chickens before, or really any birds in general. I did paint a dove a few days ago as a last minute gift to someone one. She's religious and loves the beach so I depicted a dove with an olve branch flying over a beach at dawn. Stopping by and giving my cousin's clan their gifts was the extent of my holiday plans.

My dog, adopted in 2017, was estimated to be born sometime around Christmas of 2016. It's a little like she's my old dog reincarnated. She's a very sweet little baby, just like him. I like to hype up her birthday instead of celebrating Christmas. She got a little peanut butter with breakfast today, so I think her birthday is going pretty well.

I thought I was going insane but turns out I was just ovulating! Anyway, been still busy around the house, and have watched a couple movies. I watched the original Mad Max and made a whole entry talking about it, then remembered that this is a diary, and it's supposed to be about my life. I felt like that part in Always Sunny where Frank is mistaking his life for that of John Rambo's. I was mistaking my life for that of Max Rockatansky. Did you know his baby was named Sprog? That's a weird thing to name your baby, man. I guess translated literally it just means "baby" or "child." Sprog's going to look pretty stupid when he's an adult. Wait.

Today I watched The King Of Comedy from 1982. I watched it because I saw someone online posting about shipping this guy Rupert with Travis Bickle, and I was like, who's this Rupert bozo anyway? After some research, I discovered the guy was also played by Robert De Niro! This person wants De Niro to literally fuck himself! I was so befuddled by this that I felt as though I had to watch the movie just to see if I could understand this person's psyche, but unfortunately I am no closer to untangling that web of mystery.

Last night I got hit with this weird sadness out of nowhere. It wasn't about anything in particular, it was just this pit of sadness that manifested from nothing and went away soon after. I feel like it was a premonition of something, but I didn't get any impression as to what it was about. Last time I got a premonition like that it was right before my friendship with Sam dissolved. I began feeling this sensation of grief, like the death of something, and it went away away after Sam and I broke off our friendship. I feel like it was a warning to the death of the friendship and the loss of Sam from my life. This feeling wasn't specific like that. I did a tarot reading, and I was getting a lot of pentacles. I'm guessing this means somethings going to go wrong financiallly.

I want/need a few things for school and I have a bunch of financial aid that's supposed to get refunded, but I don't get until after the semester starts, which annoys me. I need a laptop sleeve, since I did get a new laptop and I don't want it to shatter to bits, and I'd like to get a new backpack, since I have been using the same one since 8th grade at this point. I need a sealed water bottle that won't spill in my bag. I've already got a thermos I can use for soup, though! Cafeteria food on campus is crazy expensive so I need to make sure I face no temptation. I've got plenty of notebooks and what have you at home, so that is not a concern for me.

Also, turns out that I am going to be an officer in my gay/straight alliance next semester! I've done nothing to warrant giving me authority but I like the idea of being a big shot. Like the Billy Joel song. Great song. One benefit to being older than most of my classmates is that I am over a lot fo these teenage things that make you prone to social anxiety and fearing what other people think, and I speak with a sort of confidence that makes me seem smarter and cooler than I actually am.

Being around my younger classmates makes me think about how fucking weird college aged people who date schoolers are. Like, all my peers are over 18, but there's still such a gap in maturity that I can't find them attractive. The idea of dating a high schooler is repulsive. It's depressing how normalized it was when I was a teenager.

My sister's ex was a college student when she was in high school. He was also a shitbird who has a "fetish" for drunk girls (you know, the ones who can't consent) and reblogs hentai every single day on tumblr dot com. He'd buy her alcohol.

He says he identifies as a lesbian now, but personally I think a better label for him would be "sex offender."

The past few days I have mostly been alternating between manual labor and playing the Sims 2. I made a custom shirt for my sims with the Artemisia Gentileschi depiction of Judith slaying Holofernes. I'm going to put a screenshot of that on my photo album page. I need to post three pictures at a time to keep my formatting cute, so I'll post one from when I was digging a hole and an old painting project I did. I haven't had time to do any actual art for the past week, on account of The Hole, but I guess that's fine, cause I haven't really had any ideas. I just added a new poem, though!

This page has become very helpful for me on account of my lack of autobiographical memory. I was trying to think of things I liked and I consulted my own about page. Plus, I can just have my playlist going in another tab. It's pretty great!

I've gotten sucked into the Sims 2. I love the atmostphere of that game. There's a weird blend of coziness and liminalness. Also the early 2000's aspect makes me so nostalgic, not exactly for my childhood in the early 2000s, but how I would percieve the world to be when I was a child. The other sims games don't have good atmospheres, unless you count Sims 1 as like, a psychological horror game. Sims 3 just tried to be realistic, and Sims 4 just tries to be... ugly?

I am generally happy and I feel loved.

Got rid of my playlist, then decided to make a new playlist, just with way more songs and way more variety. I keep leaving my own page open in another tab and just listening to this playlist. Also, I might keep the chatbox, but add a guestbook, and just have both.

I gained a couple pounds while working through this Thanksgiving food and I feel a bit better physically. I think I probably needed to gain a little bit. I'm weird about my body, but lately I've been a bit more into tomboyish styles, and I'm feeling a lot more comfortable like that than with my well fitted and girlier stuff. I think I might try putting on a couple pounds of muscle actually, and work on getting stronger. I used to be overweight which wasn't good for me, but I was really strong at that point. People were always asking me to help move furniture. I'm healthier now, but not as good at moving furniture.

Spent two hours digging a hole (we're working on an addition) and wow, it was great. My dad had to coax me out cause I was just having a blast. I had Hole Madness. I find that manual labor is like a spiritual thing to me, somehow. It makes me feel this connection to my body, to all of humanity, and to the Earth. It just feels like a very human thing to do.

With the way the modern world is, I feel deprived of opportunities to feel actually human. I feel like I spend so much time on the computer or with other technology, and the area around me is so developed that I can't really interact with nature regularly. It's feels like rabbit starvation, where you eat enough, but you're still missing something and you die anyway. Digging a hole makes me feel whole :-)

Been on that Fallout 76 grind this week. Since I've been done with classes and I got a month off I got a month's subscription to the scam that is Fallout 1st so I could grind it UP. I made a discord cause I was trying to solicit gamers to play with, but no takers. I think I'll go ahead and add my discord to my page, though, and maybe I can make some friends.

It occurs to me that my e diary is going to get pretty long. I am considering different ways of formatting it so I don't get any issues with load times or anything in the future. I like being able to "Ctrl-f" topics and read them back though, so I do like having them on one page, as opposed to making small pages for each entry like I've seen other people do. I think I might make an archive at the end of the year that would have all the 2023 entries on it.

My sad girl era is starting to end so I'm going to be making a couple other small edits. I think I might get rid of my playlist, and also I will be getting rid of the chatbox in favor of a guestbook, like I have been meaning to do for approximately 20 years.

I am done with class! Just a final to do online, but I am not worried about it. Today I feel like a person. Maybe it's because the tragedy of life tethers me to humanity. I've been a lot more busy lately and I think it's good for me.

I've got this last presentation for class, the group one, and I am not really anxious about it. I guess at this point I know I am going to pass the class with either and A or B and I don't feel like I need to give it so much energy. I'm pre-gaming on anxiety for next semester, though. I keep waking up at like 4 or 5 in the morning feeling like I am in the midst of a panic attack. It's possibly related to my hyperthyroidism. My heart already beats at an average of 120 bpm so it doesn't take much anxiety to push me into a full panic.

An ex-friend's mom died today. She was always really nice to me. I wish I could talk to my ex-friend but I know that she doesn't want anything to do with me.

I don't know why I bothered cooking for Thanksgiving. Most of the time we ignore holidays, so I kind of just wanted to feel like a normal person with a normal family but it didn't really work. Going to be busy for the next few days. It's weird going through the motions of a person right now. I feel like I am always acting. I don't think anyone really knows me.

My friend was raped today and I'm just so mad. We were hanging out right before it happened in a group outing that also included the rapist. I feel sick now.

I did a self portrait painting today. It came out good in the sense that it actually looks like me but I don't really like how messy I made the brushstokes. I have a hard time blending properly. I did this as a practice because I want to start taking art more seriously and I want to work on accuracy and technique. I'd post it but since it actually looks like me it'd essentially be posting my face, and I don't put my face online.

I guess I did the FAFSA right and maybe I misread the thing last week cause I guess I'm getting beaucoup financial aid actually. Going to take 4 classes. Lot more work than I usually do but I just want to feel like a normal person. I don't know that there's any real value in getting an associates degree, but I do know that being able to say I'm a student sounds a lot better than saying I am an unemployed loser. I don't know what I will actually do once I have a degree. Maybe I just keep getting financial aid and going to community college forever. All the things I want to do in life are things that you can't make any money doing.

I've been almost entirely offline for the past few days because I have been deep cleaning and rearranging my room. Trying to make it easier for me to do art stuff. I've got it mostly done but I have a giant overflowing tub of stuffed animals and I don't know where to put them. If I keep them on my bed then they end up falling into the crevices and getting under the bed.

I had a stomach bug or something but now I am feeling a bit better.

I'm only getting enough financial aid for two classes next semester which sucks cause I was actually considering doing a full class load. I have a hard time with stress but I feel like the responsibilty of classes keeps me tethered. Like, I can't kill myself, because if I fail, then I'll probably miss class or something and screw up my grade. I can defer my thoughts by thinking, "I'll just finish up this semester, first." When you have been depressed as long as I have, there's not really a way to stop the thoughts from ever happening because it's like my brain is wired to spiral. Even though I don't think I am all that depressed right now, I still have the thoughts constantly because that's just what my brain defaults to. I can't really share this with people if I want to keep beating the "danger to myself or others" allegations.

I have been feeling pretty good about life lately. It's making me sad that it's so hot out, though, because it's not supposed to be hot in November. I feel guilty for feeling good right now because of all the suffering in the world, like what's happening in Gaza. I feel bad whenever I complain about some stupid shit in my life because so many people have had it worse than me. Sometimes knowing about the pain of others feels so overwhelming. There I go again, making it about me! The guilt cycle continues! I wish I could shut myself off from the world and not have to know how bad things really are.

I try not be all bio-essentialist, but it feels like men are just... not capable of experiencing the full range of emotions. Hearing stories from women of the men in their lives doing the most depraved shit and other women nodding along because the same thing has happened to them, makes me wonder if men are even capable of feeling these things. Like, are men just unable to empathize with women or something? It's insane. We can say it's because socialization, but socialization can't account for the sheer level of depravity that seems to be common among men. I can't imagine doing even 1/10 of the shit they do and not being overwhelmed with guilt at all time.

I did my presentation and got a 97% on it so all my stress is gone but I still can't seem to sleep through the night. Today I woke up thinking about someone who I haven't talked to in years.

For some reason I keep waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I think it's stress over my presentation, because whenever I wake up I'm running through it in my mind. I don't know why I'm so stressed about it, I wasn't stressed at all over the last presentation. I'm not actually that scared of public speaking, I just get really anxious over grades.

I'm stressed about my presentation for class. Not so much the part where I have to present, but more so just the grade. This teacher is a tough grader and I'm someone who cries if I get a bad grade so it's not a good mix.

I read the book Woman, Eating by Claire Kohda. The reviews online complain about it not having enough actual plot, just being mopey or whatever, but I didn't see that as a flaw. I also like Catcher in the Rye so evidently I like characters who mope and meander around. It's called Man vs. Self. Just because it doesn't have the straightforward "fight bad guy" plot that you'd see in a Marvel movie doesn't mean it's bad writing.

I saw some Halloween costumes online that were fucked up. Like Amber Heard (crying in court) and Sharon Tate (pregnant and murdered). It's tempting to say that these people have no empathy, but there's plenty of people who lack empathy but still understand that that's just fucked up. At risk of lapsing into a feminist rant, it sucks that women's pain is considered a costume. I've never seen someone do a costume for irl male rape victims or irl male murder victimes.

Class got cancelled so I'm working at school on this group project. I think we get more work done indivually cause everyone just gets distracted talking, but whatever.

This guy at school keeps yelling at me. When it was in a social setting I just left cause I'm not going to hang out with people who yell at me, but we're working on the group project now so it'd be shitty to the rest of group to stop working and just leave. What is it with guys and only being able to express themselves with anger? If he had a problem with me, he could articulate it like a human, not yell at me. You're not my boss, we're peers in the same class.

I've been working on my presentation for class. I'm doing a speech on the need for federal legislation banning child marriage. The sources are killing me. It's kind of a fringe topic because it exists as gaps in the legal system, so I'm having trouble finding sources. Most of the people who talk about it are journalists, and the professor wants us using academic journal articles and books. I think it's really important to talk about so I'm glad to do my presentation, but wow, it's hard.

I uploaded a new row of pictures. I do a lot of religious art for someone who's not religious, I think.

I haven't posted anything, but that's just because there's nothing much happening. I've had a weird time physically lately, just massive amounts of fatigue. I've barely gotten out of bed for like a week. Taking the dogs out to the backyard is the most exercise I've been getting (besides the great schlep to class two days a week.) I keep trying to at least engage my brain but somehow I keep ending up watching terrible videos on youtube about ghosts or murder or cannibalism or what have you instead of reading. I've been trying to get through The Second Sex but it's almost a thousand pages and incredibly dense so I'm only a third of the way through it so far. I swap between books a lot and currently my fiction book is Gone Girl. I hate Nick Dunne and he hasn't even done anything yet. Just rancid vibes.

Been on a kick of watching weird movies on tubi. Mainstream streaming services are impossible to find anything new on, they just hock the same few things at you. There's some freaky things on there.

There's so many thigs I want to get into. I want to get into block printing on shirts and making my own designs. I want to get into writing letters. I want to read more books. I want to do everything.

I feel like shit all the time. I am always tired. I used to work out and be active and now I hate getting out of bed. I don't have the money to see a doctor. I don't have money because I don't have a job. I don't have a job because I can't drive and no one will hire me cause I have no experience. If I did have a job it'd suck because, as mentioned before, I feel like shit all the time. I'm stuck here and I don't see a way out. I struggle to advocate my myself and take care of my own life. I feel like a neglected child but I am 24. My life situation is too weird for anyone to like me, so I deleted my Her app again. I don't think I will ever be loved but I can't blame other people for that. Everything feels so fast and so slow at the same time.

I am unhappy with my current circumstances but I feel unable to change them.

I have a some sort of a sick thing going on. I don't think it's covid cause it's entirely mucus based, just something sinusy or like a cold. I did my presentation for class while hopped up and cold medicine and caffiene and I felt like the guy from Crank. I was feeling my worse on the day I had to do my speech (funny how things line up like that!) but I still managed to get a 91 which is pretty good I guess. I'm kind of a perfectionist though when it comes to schoolwork. I like to feel like I am smart. If I had the choice, I would have stayed home, but the teachers really strict about attendence especially on speech days, so I guess I am in my plague rat era. I wore a mask, though. It's been a few days and I feel fine but my sinuses are still draining. I have a shitty immune system so I'll probably be hacking it up for another week.

I'm dumping Sam??? Over some fucking olives???

The other day they told me they were upset cause their mom made something they didn't like for dinner. Being someone who has no mom and no one who makes me homemade food, and considers the idea of someone making me some to be like an act of love and care, I frankly thought they were being a whiny piss baby. But I didn't say that! I said it sounded good to me cause I liked olives. I felt like that was neutral enough.

So today I try talking to them about how I have been feeling lately and they immediately got mad at ME and told me I didn't emotionally support then when their mommy cooked olives. It was so astronomically stupid that I don't even want to salvage this friendship anymore like seriously... You needed me to give you emotional support??? Because your mommy cooked olives??? This is the same person that doesn't want me talking about my feelings because I'm a bummer. I can't talk about how I feel but I'm supposed to play therapist to you and support you in these troubling times (times where your mommy cooked olives.)

Yesterday was Sam's birthday and I considered getting them something off their steam wishlist as a gift but I didn't. We're technically still friends but I'm not going to keep being emotionally invested in a person who does not care about me. My frustration hasn't lead to actual anger but more to ambivalence. If anything I am just matching their energy.

One time in high school I tried to overdose and I was unresponsive for like 16 hours but my dad refused to take me to the hospital. I feel bad for my sister cause she's just a couple years older than me and spent that time trying to revive me with ice baths trying to induce vomiting and she stayed with me. Meanwhile my dad was just going to let potentially me die cause he didn't want to have to pay medical bills. I never got any help for this shit as a teenager and at this point I feel like it's too late. It's just a part of me. It's draining to the people in my life and that's why nobody wants to be around me anymore. I can't blame them for it because if I could leave myself I would.

Why does it seem like every male celebrity is a rapist? The second a man gets any amount of power he abuses it.

I'm sick today. Been in bed watching youtube. My dad was right outside the door throwing a temper tantrum over something stupid and I paused the video I was watching and got quiet and stiff and stopped thinking for a while. I used to get upset hearing him yell but now I get blank.

Wasted another day of my limited lifespan. Every day I grow older and my failures compound upon themselves. I want a mother/daughter relationship. Some Gilmore Girls sort of shit. My mom is dead so I guess I want a daughter. Being a lesbian makes that much more complicated. I don't want a son but you don't really get to choose those things. I feel like I am already dead.

I've been eating like shit for the past week. I'm trying to quasi-recover from my quasi-eating disorder so I'm not tracking anything but I ate was eating too much and skipped working out for a while because I've been really emotional, stressed, and ovulating. I like not tracking or overthinking anything, but feeling like I am gaining weight makes me panic.

I told my friend, the one I have been frustrated with, let's call them Sam, about how I was feeling. Because of prior experiences, I really don't like feeling like I am clinging onto someone who doesn't want me. Sam followed up with the usual, "I'm depressed and autistic," which is kind of a stupid explanation considering I am also depressed and autistic and still make an effort to show an interest in their life. The next day Sam messaged me about how they were crying in therapy. So I guess they can talk about their emotions, but I can't.

I love this site. I really feel very good about this site. I still don't realy know what to put on my homepage though.

I'm stressed about this thing for class and of course that means I feel like I am the ugliest person in the world. Whenever I'm upset I just fixate on my apppearance, which is really stupid. Did a fashion montage for like an hour cycling through outfits before changing back into my first one.

It takes so little to upset me. Incredibly thin skin.

I'm so frustrated with my friend. I just don't even want to talk to them anymore cause they don't care about anything I say. I show them my art and they don't even acknowlege it, they just start talking about their interests. I am not really into the same things but I'll talk to them about them and ask questions and let them explain things to me because I know that people like talking about their interests. I don't talk about my feelings with them just because I know it's just a lot, but I'd like to be able to talk about my interests and my art and my ideas. Like I don't feel like they even like me, it feels like they only keep me around to have someone to talk at.I've tried a couple of the video games they like and I've tried to engage with their interests and they just do not do that for me at all. They can't even give a basic "that's cool" response to my art. Nothing.

My hair is actually staying pretty straight and not poofing out or getting messy so that's pretty great. I feel antsy right now. Like I want to do something different but I don't know what.

Have spent most of the day cleaning my room. I'm not a naturally neat person so it's hard to keep it clean so every once in a while it gets too messy for me to handle and I have to do a deep clean and usually get rid of stuff. I feel like I accumulate a weirdly large amount of stuff for someone who's broke. It's so nice when my room is clean though. I feel like I can think clearer.

I want to go goth. I'd wanted to be goth since I was a preteen but I've always managed to stave away the thoughts. Thrift stores usually don't have goth stuff and that's where I get most of my clothes, so it hasn't happened.

I want to grow my hair really long. Edwardian girl summer. I looked up edwardian hair care techniques. I already stopped using shampoo ages ago (I don't have greasy hair so I really don't need it) but I guess they used eggs to treat their hair. Makes sense since they are shiny and full of nutrients. My hair is kind of damaged but it's also really thick and unruly I spend like twenty minutes brushing it out and within an hour I'm back to looking like a sewer rat. Anyway, I think I'll try an egg wash and see how if it can tame the beast.

Been feeling weird and thinking about death lately. Normally I'd say it's a depressive episode but this is different. It's not sad at all. It's more of a understanding that death is coming and it doesn't scare me. It's just something that is going to happen and mentally I have already accepted it.

I had weird dream that felt foreboding. Played GTA 4 today. I like Niko.

I want to make a music page here for my bad music. Trying to figure out how that would work if I don't want to post it elsewhere and embed it. And even if I did, Firefox blocks youtube videos from playing here so like it wouldn't really work.

I wish my mom was alive.

Not really in any sort of mood today. No emotions. Not much going on.

I'm not against the idea of group projects but the people in my group seemed disorganized and kinda bad at things so I just did the assignment by myself and sent it to them so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Now I have homework and I don't want to do it, which is stupid of me cause I chose the topic.

I'm doing my presentation on Cystic Fibrosis. In 2nd grade I did a presentation on it and that worked really well so I figured I could just do that again. It's a good default topic for me since my mom had it and I grew up with it in my face all the time. Talking about it makes me sound smart but really I'm just repeating the same things my parents told me when I was 5.

Was gifted a mirror, an actual silver back one, not the ones you find in stores these days. You have to be real careful with these things cause spirits can attach to real mirrors like this very easily. It's best not to keep them facing your bed or they might be stuck there watching you sleep all night, and that's not really fun for either of you. I didn't get any negative vibes from the mirror, but if my ass starts getting haunted in the next few days I know what's responsible.

Feigned interest in Football to bond with my father.

Had to get a new laptop cord. I haven't had any appetite the last few days and it's weird. I normally eat a lot cause I'm active. I feel weird physically but not really to the level of calling it sick.

I can't decide what else to put on this site, mainly the homepage. I spent forever making the columns work but I don't actually know what to put in Leftie and Rightie. On my about page, I'm going to put likes and dislikes I think.

Since I figured out how to do rows I went ahead and added that to my photo album page, then also changed the boxes around a little to make them look kinda like polaroid photos. I used to have one of those trendy pastel polaroid cameras but a friend of mine stole it years ago cause I owed her ten dollars then she moved to Montana. I don't think I am getting it back.

I feel like I am running out of time to justify my continued existence.

I tried plugging my laptop cord into an outlet at school and started seeing smoke and smelling burnt electronics so I unplugged it. That's probably normal though.

I feel like there's so little time in every day. It doesn't seem like I do much, but everything seems so had to me. Just basic functioning seems hard sometimes. Everything requires concious thought and decision. When watching other people I get confused by how they can just... do things.

On the outside I look like a complete failure of a person. Nobody realizes that it takes so much effort for me to just survive. I look lazy because I can't do the same things other people can do.

I've been really depressed lately (unrelated to anniversary of 9/11) I have been feeling lonely, mostly. I don't feel like anyone wants me around.

I decided to make this because I like having an outlet. Lately I haven't really been able to do anything creative. HTML is a pretty depression friendly hobby because I can do it lying in bed on my laptop. I had another page but I don't really like it anymore.

I'm still trying to decide on what alias I will use here. I don't use my real name online and I don't like to link to accounts on other sites because I am a pretty private person and don't like the idea of people digging into me. Especially because I plan on using this as an e-diary. After I decide, I will make an About page.